The Mentalist Returns!
by FiascoWay
Summary: Let's put the 'mental' back into The Mentalist... Let's go back to a time when cases were crazy, the old CBI crew were still together and Red John was mostly out of the picture. Each chapter will be a stand-alone case that our CBI team will endeavour to solve with the 'help' of their unhinged consultant. "C'mon, It'll be fun. Let's see what kind of trouble we can make..."
1. Chapter 1

**Red Vespers**

It all started the day Jane rode a scooter to work. Lisbon was taking her first swallow of coffee as she idly watched a bright red Vespa pass through the boom gates. It took her several long seconds to realise the erect figure gliding through the car park was none other than her common sense impaired consultant, at which point she choked and nearly dribbled coffee out of her nose.

Naturally Jane spotted her gob smacked reaction and altered course to slide up to her, coat streaming theatrically behind him like a magician's cape.

"Morning Lisbon," he said smiling at her in serene contentment. The gentle put-put of the scooter covered the sound of Lisbon trying to force a mouthful of coffee down her throat rather than onto her chest. Jane's smile widened as he took in the effect he was having on her.

"What happened to your car?" She finally managed to splutter.

"In the garage. This is a loaner." He revved the little engine and executed a neat little 360. "You like?"

Jane should have known better. Lisbon liked cars with a bit of muscle. Lisbon liked cars that could run a perp off the road with no loss of integrity to the passenger cabin. Lisbon did not like tin foreign death traps. She liked them even less first thing in the morning and ridden by the most irritating man in the world.

Lisbon bit back a retort. She didn't have nearly enough caffeine in her system to have that kind of conversation. Instead she took a long drink coffee while giving him the dead eye. "We have a case; see you inside."

"Right away Lisbon!" Jane acknowledged. The front wheel jumped an inch off the ground as he fanged the Vespa down the lot.

Lisbon slapped copies of the case file in front of her team members. "Max Chambers was found dead outside his store a half hour ago."

Jane jiggled a teabag in his cup. "Why did we get this one?"

Lisbon frowned. "Unusual cause of death. Preliminary diagnosis is severe trauma to the groin and abdomen cause either by a point blank shot gun blast or a small explosive."

Rigsby and Cho crossed their legs simultaneously. Jane caught Grace's eye and grinned. She tried not to grin back.

Oblivious, Lisbon continued with the brief. "SAC PD have the scene but I want us to get out there as soon as possible, see what we can turn up." Just then her phone rang, she glanced at the number and frowned. "Minelli. OK you guys go ahead, I'll catch you up there."

The troops obediently marched to their SUV. On the way Jane muttered an incoherent excuse and veered off. Cho exchanged a look with his colleagues and shrugged. Jane could organise his own ride.

It was 35 minutes before Lisbon got off the call. It seemed Minelli had been taking heat from the professional standards board. No prizes for guessing who was responsible.

She power walked to the car park and was about to get into her car when she noticed the flat tyre. She took a second to survey the damage then changed course towards Property for a CBI vehicle. Jane was standing outside it finishing a call. He spotted Lisbon and snapped his phone shut. "Why aren't you at the scene already?"

She smoothly stepped around Jane. "Flat tyre. Getting a car from the pool."

Jane called after her. "They're all gone. Bosco's team had a joint operation with Organised Crime."

Lisbon's shoulders slumped in frustration as she recalled the memo.

Her consultant stepped back into her field of vision and grinned. "Fear not Lisbon, I have a solution."

* * *

Lisbon stared in disbelief at the little red Vespa. "You've got to be kidding me. I'm not risking my life on that…"

"Time's-a-wasting" said Jane briskly. He handed Lisbon a bike helmet.

Still blindsided by the bizarre sequence of events, she meekly accepted it. The helmet was an old school design, like a black ping pong ball with the face cut out and little visor above. There were daisies painted on it.

"What about you?" she asked, clutching at straws.

Jane smirked. "I've got this," he said, patting his thick curls.

"Like that's going to help in a crash!"

Jane merely looked at her. She knew how much product went into his hair. It had survived hostage situations, explosions, scores of slaps from insulted witnesses with nary a strand out of place.

Defeated, Lisbon jammed the helmet on her head and slouched awkwardly onto the back of the Vespa. "If I end up on social media you're a dead man." Nothing in her flat tone of voice suggested she was kidding.

Jane didn't push his luck too much. Just stepped into the front seat and fired up the little engine. He gave it a few experimental revs and then let out the clutch. "Let's ride!" he crowed.

Clutching helplessly to her consultant's waist, tough cop Lisbon died a little inside.

* * *

Lisbon tried to get Jane to pull over a half block from the crime scene but he ignored her and drove right up to the barrier. Lisbon jerked off the helmet and threw it in Jane's direction without even looking back. She tried to ignore the side glances she was getting from the uniforms as she stalked past the cordon. Lisbon had an unpleasant flashback to a walk of shame from her college days before the body commanded her full attention.

Max was laid out on his back outside of a shop front. His wore an expression of extreme surprise, clearly he hadn't expected bloody ruin to be visited to his crotch and stomach. Given he'd died outside a large sex shop, the manner of death had a whiff of poetic justice to it.

Cho appeared at Lisbon's side, a quick glance from the Vespa to her and back the only hint at his surprise. Lisbon relaxed her posture a fraction. Thank god for non-communicative subordinates. "What have you got?"

Cho began rattling off details. "Max Chambers was the owner of large adult store called Maximum Pleasure. Death occurred between 6 and 8am but there were no direct witnesses. Van Pelt and Rigsby are interviewing Tiffany Phillips, shop assistant and unofficial secretary for Chambers." Cho nodded towards a pneumatic young woman in heels and short skirt who was talking with Lisbon's agents. Rigsby's attention seemed to be quite fixated on Tiffany, a fact not missed by Grace, judging by the crossed arms and tapping foot.

Grace caught sight of Lisbon and did a double take, her eyes sliding up to the top of her head before returning to Rigsby and Tiffany. Lisbon patted at her hair and confirmed her worst fears. Jane was so going to pay for what happened.

Her infuriating consultant had just completed his close inspection of the victim. Levering himself up he cast his eye around the crime scene, taking in details that others didn't think to heed. Something caught his eye and he stooped to pick up an object hanging from the grate of a storm drain. He held it up in triumph. "Oh Lisbonnnnnn!"

Lisbon closed her eyes for a second. _If he wasn't so goddam useful…_

* * *

Lisbon commandeered the SUV for the drive back to the office. The lunch time traffic was a bear and her lips tightened in annoyance as Jane's Vespa weaved serenely between two traffic lanes and out of sight. The cheerful little toot he sounded as he passed the SUV did nothing good for her blood pressure. Lisbon vowed there and then she would never be caught near 'Satan's scooter' again.

The team convened in the bullpen to compare findings. Cho had word from the coroner confirming cause of death was an explosive device. Grace re-capped her interview with Ms Phillips. She'd allowed them to look at Max's planner. That morning had been clear of meetings except for a cryptic note saying "Crazy Penguin."

On hearing about the note Jane sat up excitedly. "Aha!"

Lisbon fingered the evidence bag containing a set of rosary beads. "Is this the sort of 'aha' where you're about to accuse a nun of blowing up a porn peddler outside of a sex shop?

Jane's smile was both radiant and patronising. "Very good Lisbon! Soon you won't need my services at all."

The younger agents exchanged glances. This was going to be good.

Lisbon pinched the bridge of her nose wearily. The fact she was now able to guess where Jane's thoughts were running half the time was as frightening as it was intellectually satisfying. She considered various scenarios before deciding on a new approach.

"Fine. Get me one more piece of evidence linking the killing to someone from the holy orders and I'll try talk to Minelli into letting you loose in the nearest monastery. You've got the rest of the day to convince me while I see about getting my car fixed."

She stalked out of the bullpen cursing all consultants and their refusal to make things normal or easy. Her only consolation was the slightly disappointed looks on the rest of her team at the lack of fireworks. Served them right.

* * *

Grace found the connection. While researching nearby monasteries she discovered the site of the sex shop was formerly the location of the Carmelite Nuns of Sacramento. Founded in 1935, it was home to the order until their re-location to the El Dorado forest in '80s. Over time the farming area became part of greater Sacramento and the old monastic lands were developed into commercial storefronts. Two years ago Max Chambers signed a lease for the store in order to expand his thriving adult business.

Lisbon stood with her arms crossed as she listened to the evidence. "That's pretty thin, even for you Jane."

The consultant lounged nonchalantly on his couch. "A deal's a deal Lisbon. We have a dead sex shop owner killed outside of his store which is located on the site of an old monastery. Not only that but I found a rosary at the scene and most importantly of all, Chambers was meeting a 'crazy penguin'. Surely a good catholic girl like you is aware of that particular nickname?"

Lisbon glanced at her watch; it was past time for everyone to call it a day. "Fine," she conceded wearily. "We'll drive out to Eldorado Forest tomorrow. Cho, I want you to follow up on the type of explosive used; how it was put together and where the killer might have got it from."

Rigsby and Van Pelt, I want you to go back to Maximum Pleasure and go over Tiffany's statement again. Go hard on the threats angle. If Max was killed over his business, chances are they tried to warn him off first. Is everyone clear?"

"Take Van Pelt to Maximum Pleasure and go hard..." Rigsby recapped without really thinking.

Four pairs of eyes stared at him incredulously. "What?" said Rigsby in confusion. Then he blushed as his brain caught up his words. "Take Van Pelt and go hard on Tiffany, I mean QUESTION Tiffany. Oh you guys know what I mean!" He shot his team a look of mute appeal.

Grace, even more embarrassed than Rigsby kept her face downturned while Jane looked like all he needed was a bag of popcorn to make his evening's entertainment complete. Wayne looked to Cho for help but his partner just gave him a trademark deadpan expression before saying "We know exactly what you mean."

Lisbon shook her head in amusement. "Thank god that's cleared up." She didn't bother hiding her smile. "I want everyone out of this office in five minutes."

* * *

The next morning Lisbon sat primly behind the wheel of her SUV as they made the long drive out to Eldorado Forest. Jane lounged in the passenger seat, bored. Lisbon's eyes were fixed determinedly on the road. They'd already argued over taking the Vespa, the cause of Lisbon's mysterious flat tyre, the best route and whether to stop for tea. She knew he was deliberately pressing her buttons out of idle mischief but that didn't make it any less annoying.

While refusing to talk to Jane, she thought over the case. Jane's supposition was quite ridiculous and the thought of what he might get up with a bunch of nuns was frankly terrifying.

Still, he was their consultant for a reason and she wouldn't be much of a senior agent if she didn't know when to trust her people's judgement.

Jane shifted restlessly in his seat. The silent treatment was getting to him. "Why so glum, Lisbon? Are your catholic sensibilities upset by the thought of a ninja nun or are you still pissed over having to ride the Vespa?"

Lisbon's grip tightened fractionally. "For the sake of our working relationship I suggest you never mention the Vespa again."

Jane's grin teased at Lisbon. "Oh come on. Don't tell me there wasn't at least one cool guy at high school you were secretly hoping would take you for a ride on his motorbike."

Lisbon smiled at an old memory. "Guess again." She waited a beat. "I was the one with the bike and it wasn't a pissy little Vespa."

Jane was openly delighted. "Outstanding Agent Lisbon! In that case you should have plenty to confess when we meet the good sisters."

* * *

The brittle sound of dried twigs crunching under tires accompanied them for the last mile of the drive. The monastery (really just a modernist two story prefab) was set back in the forest. The dappled sunlight filtering through the trees made even the austere wood and concrete façade look inviting.

The clunk of their car doors sounded unnatural in the peaceful setting. As they made their way to the entrance Lisbon hissed a final warning at Jane. "Try and behave yourself. These people don't deserve to be mocked for their faith."

Jane pretended to look offended as he took a detour to pass by an old pickup truck parked haphazardly to the side of the building. He spared a condescending glance at Lisbon. "Believe me, I have no interest in trying to free them of their delusions. The gullible masses rarely appreciate being given a little clarity." He peered over the back of the track. It was full of gardening supplies, mostly fertilizers in large plastic drums.

Lisbon glared at Jane then gave the truck a once over. A sturdy seat cushion was sitting incongruously amongst the sacks and containers. She shrugged and stalked up to the front door. She had her hand half raised to knock when the door creaked open. Lisbon dropped her arm like she's been caught pick-pocketing. Three seconds in and she already felt like she was back in 8th grade with sister Constance bearing down on her with a wooden ruler.

A middle aged woman with a kind, unlined face greeted them. "Good morning, how can I help you?"

Lisbon assumed a professional expression. "I'm Special Agent Teresa Lisbon of the CBI and this is my consultant Patrick Jane. There was an incident at the site of your old monastery in Sacramento and we were just looking to get a some background information."

"We think one of your nuns blew someone up with a bomb," Jane added. "Did you do it?" he asked as he subjected her to an intense stare.

"Wha, what did he say?" the Sister asked in confusion.

"I said oooof!" The pointy end of Lisbon's elbow cannoned into Jane's sternum, silencing him.

Lisbon's reassuring smile was looking decidedly false. "I'm sorry we can't share details of an ongoing investigation. If we could come inside…"

"A cup of tea would be lovely too," Jane croaked.

The nun took them to an empty study where the conversation continued over a cup of chamomile tea.

"I'm Sister Assumpta and I'd be happy to help you however I can. Having said that, I don't see how anyone here could be involved with something so terrible. This is a spiritual retreat; no-one here has any interest in or involvement with the outside world."

Jane smiled warmly and clasped her hand between his. "Thank you sister, for your offer of support. You have a lovely place here, how did that come about? I understand you were once part of the Carmelite monastery in Sacramento?"

Sister Assumpta nodded. "Yes, that's right. Our chapter was founded on the outskirts of Sacramento but as the city expanded we found the isolation of our retreat being compromised. We follow the Carmelite path as laid down by St Teresa."

Jane couldn't have looked more pleased. "Saint Teresa," he breathed. Lisbon shot him a warning look.

Assumpta continued. "As I was saying our initial home was surrounded by the sins and temptations of a large city. It wasn't at all conducive to the spiritual needs of our community. When a wealthy benefactor gave us the lands out here we took the opportunity to build a new home. At last we had the freedom to practice the Teresean Way in peace. "

Jane waggled his head wisely. "Indeed. I think we could all benefit from following the Teresean way." He shot a mischievous look at Lisbon, who looked like she was fit to die of mortification. He could see her mentally cataloguing the many ways he would work this visit into the conversation. "How many sisters are there in this community?

"We're only a small order, not many feel the calling anymore. We are just 14 souls."

Jane drained his near scalding cup of tea in one great gulp. "I'll just return this to the kitchen," he said, aiming a disarming smile at Sister Assumpta. "While I'm gone you might to expand on the Teresean way to my colleague here. She considered taking up holy orders until she felt a different calling." He patted Lisbon firmly on the knee to forestall her protest and scooted from the room, with a smile of wicked delight.

Lisbon gazed helplessly at the Assumpta who positively beamed at her. "Our order is named after your namesake, Saint Teresa…"

Jane slipped into the kitchen and left his teacup on the counter. Hearing conversation from the next room he walked into the refectory where the sisters were enjoying a communal lunch. "Hellooo ladies," he crooned. A dozen faces looked up and performed double takes as they took in the full dazzling effect of his burnt blonde curls and megawatt smile. He maintained the smile as he seated himself between two of them. "Got room for one more?"

* * *

Lisbon half ran out of the monastery like a teenager leaving the scene of a crime. Jane was even less dignified, accelerating past Lisbon in a mad panic as howls of outrage charged the air. "SATAN SPORN! FORNICATOR! FALSE WITNESS! HEATHEN!

An evil corner of Lisbon's heart was very tempted to leave Jane to his fate. They leapt into the SUV and Lisbon was flooring it before Jane even had a chance to buckle in. In the rear vision mirror she awful compact form of Sister Agnes lurch out the front door.

"Jesus Jane! Did you have to be so rude?"

Now that he was safe in the car Jane's bravado returned. "It's a puzzler, Lisbon. Normally the old ladies love me…"

"Normally you don't accuse 80 year old ladies of being sexually frustrated!"

There was a second's silence as both of them contemplated the horrid scenario they'd just fled.

Lisbon compressed her lips to no avail. The absurdity of the situation was steadily forcing them upwards.

For a second Jane managed to look contrite. "I honestly don't know where that came from but it definitely got a reaction."

"I'll say, she damn near swiped your nose off." Lisbon was grinning openly now.

Jane briefly touched the injured organ to ensure it was intact. "She was deceptively spry, I'll give her that."

"Definitely in line for Sainthood," Lisbon mused. "She could be patron saint of wronged suspects, god knows there's enough of them."

"Hmm," said Jane, lapsing into silence just as Lisbon was warming up to gently ribbing him. She was tempted to prod him further but recognised his brain was busily at work, turning things over, examining different angles. With a sigh she focussed back on the road. They appeared no closer to a break in the case and she was regretting the time lost to and from Eldorado forest. She could just see her inbox piling up as the SUV ate up the long miles.

After some time Jane gave up on working through the permutations of the case, preferring to let his subconscious to do the leg work for a while. He allowed himself to drift into a half sleep where he played the old game of trying to recall every detail of a random day when his wife and child were still alive...

* * *

Lisbon ended the call and sighed. She cast a regretful look at her half eaten sandwich. On a whim she snatched it up before marching into the bullpen and surveyed her team. Rigsby was leaning over Grace's shoulder, peering intently at something on her screen. Cho was making a brief entry in his notepad and Jane was lying on his couch, dangling a set of rosary beads above his face.

"What have we got, people?" Lisbon asked as she rolled her neck.

Cho looked up. "Lab report on the bomb. It was an I.E.D of some sort. They suspect something home made using ammonium nitrate."

Grace's desk phone rang and she took the call. Lisbon turned her attention to Rigsby. "What else have you dug up on Chambers?"

Rigsby shrugged. "He looks to have been totally clean, apart from *cough* running a porn supermarket. No girlfriend, no lovers, filed his taxes on time. No record."

Lisbon resisted the temptation to glare at Rigsby like he was personally responsible for the lack leads.

Grace finished her call. "Boss," she said urgently. "That was Tiffany. Someone just made a bomb threat against the shop."

Lisbon perked up at the news. "What did the person sound like? Were they familiar to her?"

Grace straitened in her chair. "I can do better than that, boss. I had the phone company all ready to provide the in and outgoing calls. I can trace it back within five minutes." She placed a call through to the phone company.

"Good work Van Pelt, get right on it. Cho, Rigsby, suit up. You're going to wherever that call came from."

"It a public phone in George Town," Grace supplied. One ear still pressed to her phone she jotted down further details.

Lisbon turned to Jane. "We passed through George Town just a couple miles before reaching the monastery."

"Jane gleefully clapped his hands together. "I told you Lisbon!" He watched her draw breath and hastily turned to the others. " _I told her…_ " he stage whispered. "She wouldn't believe me but… Urrrk!" The remains of Lisbon's sandwich bounced off the side of his head.

"Oooowwwww!" Jane whined." "I was hoping some of the Teresean way would have rubbed off on you!"

"Keep that up and I'll give you seconds," Lisbon threatened.

Cho was about to ask what Jane meant but one look at his boss's face and he wisely dropped it.

Lisbon swiftly assigned Cho and Rigsby to driving out to Georgetown to work with the local sheriff's department for any evidence that could be gleaned. Van Pelt was assigned to monitor for any further incoming threats.

Lisbon glared at Jane who was still rubbing the side of his head in mock pain. With an exaggerated sigh she returned to her office and the backlog of emails demanding her attention. Behind her she heard Jane begin to hum tunelessly.

It was late afternoon when Lisbon glanced up to see Jane leaning in her doorway. "Still wading through emails?" he asked.

"It never ends," Lisbon sighed.

Jane took a seat on her couch and hummed appreciatively. "You know one day you're going to look back on your life and curse the fact you spent so much of it hunched over a computer."

Lisbon smiled wryly. "Well we can't all live our lives like gentlemen of leisure." A thought struck her. "You're not about to suggest we go all the way back out to the Carmelites? I don't think I can face Assumpta putting the hard word on me again."

"How do we solve a problem like Teresa…" Jane sang.

Lisbon mock glared. "Ha Ha. Seriously did you think any of those nuns was capable of murder?"

Jane breathed out in frustration. "Well that vicious old fossil certainly had a murderous disposition."

Lisbon smiled at the memory. "Uncommon good sense if you ask me. Too bad she's no good as a suspect. How would she know about making home-made bombs? Not to mention how she got to Georgetown let alone Sacramento. I doubt she could see over the top of a steering wheel."

Jane was nodding along with Lisbon's points when suddenly a smile illuminated his face. "That's it, Lisbon!"

Lisbon eyed him curiously.

"She couldn't have seen over the top of the steering wheel. Remember the truck that was parked outside the monastery. Do you recall what was in it?

Lisbon frowned in concentration. "It was mostly garden supplies and a… seat cushion?"

"Exactly!" Jane beamed. It's quite common for short people to use a seat cushion to sit a little higher in the car. Also, aren't certain types of fertilizer a good source of Ammonium Nitrate?"

"Still sounds like you're drawing a long bow…" said Lisbon musingly. Jane didn't bother arguing his point further. It was the tone of voice Lisbon used when thinking of how to convince a judge.

She shifted decisively. "Before we request a warrant let's have Cho and Rigsby swing by the monastery and take a look at the grounds, ask some follow up questions."

Jane held his index finger to his lips then pointed it at Lisbon. "Have them ask if they have internet on site and if so, who's in charge of running it."

"Roger that," said Lisbon reaching for her phone.

* * *

Half an hour later Lisbon got off the phone again and turned to Jane, who was sitting expectantly on her couch. "That was Cho and Rigsby. Agnes is gone and so's the pickup truck. According to the nuns she left about two hours ago." Seeing Jane about to ask a question Lisbon held up a hand. "Yes," she said tiredly. "She was in charge of the internet too."

"I knew it!" Said Jane with a mixture of chagrin and admiration. "So stupid of me. I made the sort of dumb assumptions that you cops love to make."

"Hey!" Lisbon interjected.

"… all I saw was a physically weak old woman rather than the vindictive killer she clearly was. I underestimated her because of her age." He leapt out of the couch and began to pace agitatedly. "We have to get after her right away!"

Lisbon looked mildly amused by his zeal. "What's the hurry?"

"She's had a two hour start and unless we get onto her trail soon she'll disappear completely!"

Lisbon misread his concern. "Relax. Even you can't always pick the killer first time. I'll put a BOLO out on her and the local cops can bring her in. She's an old woman. The only way she'll disappear is if she keels over dead."

Jane wasn't appeased. "What if she isn't trying to run? What if she's about to drive into Sacramento and blow up the sex supermarket?"

Lisbon suddenly looked serious. "The truck…"

Jane nodded urgently. "That's right Lisbon, the truck. What if that wasn't just garden supplies we saw. What if the whole truck was rigged to blow?"

Lisbon hurried to her car with Jane striding alongside her. "Grace has put out the BOLO but we need get to the store right away. Something tells me SAC PD might underestimate her just like we did."

They pulled out of the parking lot and drove towards the gate when they saw the over turned service truck blocking the exit. Cars were banked up in each direction waiting for the obstruction to be cleared. Judging by the frayed tempers and tooting horns it had already been held up for some time.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," Lisbon groused.

"Never fear Lisbon," Jane said as he surveyed the chaos. "I just so happen to have a mode of transportation that can weave its way through that mess."

"No." Lisbon snapped as comprehension dawned.

"C'mon," Jane cajoled. This is bigger than maintaining your cop machismo. We have a killer to stop." Jane smiled in triumph when he saw Lisbon slump in defeat.

"God hates me, that's what it is," Lisbon muttered as they made their way towards the hated scooter. "I could have lived a life of seclusion away from the evils of Vespa riding society but I spurned Him." She took her seat and put her arms around Jane's waist with the same enthusiasm she showed for searching a dumpster. "…and now He punishes me. With you."

As they approached the mayhem out the front of the CBI Lisbon kept her head down, hoping no-one would see her. Jane slowed the Vespa as he began carefully negotiating a path through the stationary vehicles.

It was just Lisbon's luck that one of Jane's looping manoeuvres brought them squarely within the eye line of Hicks in the passenger of an SUV. He burst into a grin and then elbowed the driver. The driver was Bosco. The senior agent's jaw went slack at the sight of Teresa perched behind Jane on the bright red Vespa. Lisbon cringed internally when instead of laughing with his colleague, Bosco shot her a look of abject betrayal. Jane was _so_ going to pay.

Once they cleared the Traffic snarl Lisbon became increasingly frustrated with the Vespa's lack of speed. Jane gamely revved the little engine but it simply wasn't coping with carrying two adults uphill. In her mind Lisbon could see the vicious nun with her deadly payload pulling up outside Maximum Pleasure and blowing everyone to smithereens.

As the Vespa pulled up at a set of lights, Lisbon looked around despairingly. On the sidewalk a middle aged man was preparing to start his mid-life crisis Harley. Lisbon grinned fiercely as she whacked Jane on the shoulder to get his attention. _Upgrade time_.

The overweight business man was completely blindsided when Lisbon, badge in hand, commandeered the bike. "Don't worry, You'll get it back." She assured him as she hustled him to the sidewalk. Jane continued to sit defiantly on the Vespa. "Jane!" Lisbon shouted with relish. "Harley. Now!"

Defeated, Jane moped his way to the back of the bike. He collapsed on the seat with a resigned sigh, then blinked in surprise as his nose was suddenly inches from Lisbon's pert little bottom. She stamped down on the starter and the engine roared to life first try. She plonked back down and accelerated them through the lights. The whiplash served to snap Jane's mouth shut. That image of Lisbon's derrière would certainly be an interesting addition to his memory palace.

Behind them the business man shook off his surprise and jumped onto the Vespa. He put-putted after the Harley in furious pursuit.

They roared at break neck speed down Carter Drive. Jane hated the lack of control but his objections were drowned in cascades of Lisbon's pleasantly scented hair as it whipped about in the slipstream.

Sister Agnes was just getting out of her truck when Lisbon screeched to halt. She was out of her seat and gun drawn before the nun knew what hit her.

"Put your hands up and step away from the vehicle." Lisbon's authoritarian tone barely wavered, but there was no denying it felt wrong to be threatening a little old nun with a firearm. The foot traffic on the street clearly thought the same as not a few dirty looks were thrown in her direction.

Agnes straightened up fearlessly. "You wouldn't dare shoot me, I'm doing God's work."

Lisbon supressed her qualms and steadied her firearm. "Step back, now." She felt rather than saw Jane half hiding behind her.

"You'd better do as she says," he supplied helpfully.

Agnes straightened to her full if unimpressive height. "That pit of sin must be expunged. It is an open mockery of the Teresean Way."

Lisbon weighed the odds of her being able to tackle her to the ground. She would never admit it, but the old bird was intimidating as hell. Her calculations were interrupted by Jane tapping her nervously on the shoulder.

"Not now Jane!" she hissed.

Jane tapped her lightly again. "Ah Lisbon, you really gotta see this…"

Lisbon was about to respond when she heard it. The hated, put-put of an overworked Vespa engine. The next second it zoomed past her with a tinny squeal of brakes as the fat businessman's mass proved too much for the brakes to handle.

He stopped just short of bowling over Agnes. Fixated on retrieving his property he ignored the nun and stalked towards Lisbon. Brandishing her firearm, Lisbon shouted at him to get out of the way but it was too late.

Sensing her opportunity, Sister Agnes leapt onto the still running Vespa. Gunning the tiny engine the nun sped away like a slow moving bat from hell, wimple trailing in the breeze. Lisbon's lips thinned in annoyance. Stepping around the business man who'd finally noticed her weapon and backed off, she carefully tracked the little Vespa. Squinting in the waning light she squeezed off a round. It struck the engine and a thick curl smoke leaked out of the bullet hole. There was a dull clank and the scooter ground to a halt. Seconds later SAC PD arrived in a swarm of flashing squad cars. Sister Agnes limped clear of the stricken Vespa but barely made it 30 yards before being surrounded by a group of awkward uniforms.

Lisbon resisted the temptation to blow on her glock before smoothly holstering it. Jane looked at her in shock. "You shot my Vespa!" In the background a crop tried to lay hands on Agnes and was thwacked over the head by a very thick bible.

Lisbon shrugged away a twinge of guilt. "The perp was getting away; it was a righteous kill."

Jane stared at her like she'd just clubbed a baby seal. Behind them the Vespa caught fire with a dull whump. It disappeared in a cloud of dirty black smoke, except for the seat, which flew straight up in the air.

"You never liked my Vespa!" Jane whined as he took in the small mushroom cloud that was all that remained of his precious scooter.

Lisbon turned away to hide her smile. Jane turned his attention back to her. "You did that on purpose!" His accusation was punctuated by the flaming seat smacking down between them. It sat there like a burning finger of blame.

Only years of professionalism allowed Lisbon to put on a straight face. Jane's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I fully intent to lodge a complaint with your boss!" he threatened lamely.

Lisbon hummed contentedly as she made a show of adjusting her leather jacket. Her consultant was staring at the flaming Vesper like a child who'd just dropped their ice cream. "Come on Jane," she said tugging on his arm.

Sometimes, maybe once in a blue moon, the gods handed her sweet and utter victory. In those rare instances she could afford to be magnanimous and afford him a little pampering. "How about a nice hot cup of tea and a lie down on the couch," she suggested. Jane grumbled inarticulately but let himself be led away.

As they walked off into the darkness her teasing voice lingered in the smoky air. "If you really feel that strongly about my actions I'm sure Minelli will give you a fair hearing. It's not like your antics just got him dragged in front of the professional standard's board…"

 **The End.**

 **A/N Well that was a lot of fun, hope you enjoyed it too. A big thanks to Hayseed Socrates for beta-ing and making this a much better story. Her great ear for Lisbon's voice in particular was really helpful.**

 **This is the first in a series of stand-alone episodes. Patrick Jane and the CBI will return soon in Bordeaux-line Behaviour.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Bordeaux-Line Behaviour**

They'd been drinking for a several hours and the collateral damage was adding up. Grace Van Pelt was the first casualty. College kegger parties were no preparation for the heavy red wine they'd been quaffing.

Out of her depth without even realising it, she'd gotten well and truly toasted. Now she was slumped against the expensive karaoke machine, head tilted back and snoring like a pig. The karaoke was still running but not even Taylor Swift could do much against the noise.

Lisbon shared an amused look with Jane before looking over at Rigsby. No surprise he'd ended up next to Van Pelt and it looked very much like he was about to collapse face first into her lap. Lisbon's expression turned wry.

Jane watched Lisbon watching Rigsby and chuckled to himself. It seemed the boss was hard at work rationalising not seeing what was plainly evident to everyone else. He took another swallow of wine. While hours of drinking had somewhat numbed his palate he could still appreciate the rich textures of the exceedingly expensive vintage he was drinking. He leaned back against the wall and regarded the team with affection. This was exactly what they'd all needed and he couldn't have been more pleased with results of his plan.

To Jane's left Cho drained his high end Belgian beer. He didn't know how the consultant had managed to finagle an open bar at a millionaire's bachelor pad but he wasn't about to complain. After the last fortnight, the chance to unwind with people who didn't ask questions was a godsend.

Cho went to fetch another beer from the fridge and was surprised to find walking a challenge. Shucking the cap off the bottle, he took a long pull before laboriously returning to his spot. He wouldn't have minded calling it a night but there was no quitting until Rigsby went down for the count.

He glanced at his boss and couldn't help be impressed. She was easily the smallest of all of them but despite looking slightly flushed she was more than holding up her end. He wondered how she did it.

Watching her team unwind, Lisbon was relaxed and happy. She had to concede this was one of Jane's better ideas. After three consecutive cases involving the brutal deaths of good people with devastated families they'd all been holding onto their sanity by a fingernail. Jane caught her eye as if he'd just read her train of thought. He fractionally raised his eyebrows and Lisbon nodded slightly in acknowledgement.

Cho watched the two of them and shook his head. They were doing their non-verbal communication thing again. Creepy. He closed his eyes for a second and felt the ceiling gently spin above him. Oh crap. He was more drunk than he'd thought. He looked desperately over at Rigsby and was relieved to see his partner had collapsed into Grace's lap. Excellent - score another round for 'the dragon' he thought to himself.

Jane and Lisbon broke off their communion when Cho suddenly leaned over sideways and murmured, "the dragon wins" before cradling his head in his arms and giggling.

"Well mom, that's the last of the kids to bed," said Jane with a grin.

Lisbon threw a peanut at him. "Be nice," she admonished though she was smiling at the crack. "They were beat before we even started."

Jane nodded in agreement. "They've been troopers. You should be very proud, Lisbon, they're your team." Lisbon dipped her head to hide her pleased smile. "No need to be embarrassed by a compliment," Jane chided her gently. "Save your embarrassment for when you sang that god-awful song about the bed of roses."

"Aw shut up," said Lisbon good naturedly. This time she threw a handful of peanuts at him by way of punctuation. "If Bon Jovi isn't appropriate for drunken karaoke then I don't know what is."

"Bon Jovi…" Jane couldn't help compressing his lips in disgust. Honestly when the woman strayed away from their mutual taste for smooth Jazz it was like she became a different person.

Lisbon snorted with sudden laughter. "How funny was Cho singing _Can't Touch This_."

Jane didn't laugh but his eyes did crinkle with humour. "I don't know what was more impressive. Him doing that sidewise shuffle thing or maintaining a perfect deadpan throughout."

The image Jane recalled sent Lisbon off into fresh peals of laughter. She took a large swig from her tequila bottle and barely made a face as it went down. "After the last few cases we all really needed this. Thanks Jane."

He nodded slowly. "You're welcome, Lisbon. Though I have to say that some people got more into the, spirit, of it than others."

Lisbon frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying the way you've been knocking back drinks all night you should be a sloppy mess on the floor. Let me guess, you switched out the tequila for water."

Lisbon's denial came a touch to fast and high pitched. "No."

Jane shook an admonishing finger at her. "You did! I'm impressed, Lisbon! Very smooth, even I didn't notice."

Lisbon came clean. "I did it while you were looking for that Elvis track."

"Nicely played, miss in-control. I get it, can't risk denting the Lisbon bad-ass mystique in front of the subordinates."

"You got me." Lisbon's tone was half sarcastic and half something else again. Jane was about to probe further when her phone started ringing.

"Lisbon."

Jane watched her walk off and silently cursed the interruption. He could sense Lisbon's easy mood fall off her like an ill-fitting jacket. Behind him Rigsby muttered incoherently and burrowed deeper into Grace's lap.

It was Bosco on the phone. "Lisbon, I'm sorry to call you but you've got a case."

Lisbon turned her back on Jane and left the room. "What?! You promised to cover for us!"

Bosco's voice was a mix of defensiveness and guilt. "This is the third case we've caught tonight. If there was any other way..."

"…OK fine." Lisbon snapped. Give me the details and Jane and I will head over there now."

Bosco hesitated. "You and Jane… What about the others?"

Lisbon cast a glace back into the other room. "They're in no condition to investigate anything other than a porcelain bowl. Crap! You'd think the bastards would let up on the murders for just one night."

Bosco sighed in sympathy. " I hear ya."

He rattled off the scant details of the murder as well as the address. Before signing off touched on his chief concern. "I don't like you going without proper backup. If things wrap quickly I'll try to swing by with Hicks."

"No need," Lisbon assured him. "I know you don't trust him but Jane's a good person to have as backup. Very quick on his feet and great at spotting trouble so long as he's not the one causing it. We'll be fine."

Jane looked up as Lisbon returned to the party room. "By the look on your face that wasn't good news."

"We're up," said Lisbon as she cast a concerned look at the drunk pile of special agents. "Dead body found at a nightclub during a private event. One of the attendees is the niece of a state senator so the AG wants it handled by us."

"And yet again privilege trumps everything…"

"… Don't even start," Lisbon interrupted. I'm as disappointed as you are but duty calls." She unwound a fraction. "Besides, I suspect you'll enjoy this one. The private event was a bridal shower and the person killed was a male stripper."

Jane brightened immediately "A bunch of rich, drunk women out for a good time. Sounds perfect."

Lisbon smiled crookedly. "Something tells me this won't be your first rodeo on that score… What are you doing?"

Jane was breathing deeply and shaking his arms violently while rolling his neck and alternatively raising and dropping his eyebrows and making his eyes bug out. "Oh nothing, just performing some sobering up exercises. You, my dear, are in no state to drive despite your underhanded tequila tactics."

"Sobering up exercises," she said sceptically. "You and millions of other drunk drivers wish that were true."

Jane ignored her tone and began swinging his arms from side to side. "Did you know Rasputin survived being poisoned through the power of his will?"

"I thought he was shot for being a know it all pain in the ass," Lisbon countered. She reached into the fridge and snagged a PowerAde for herself and an iced tea for Jane. "C'mon Rasputin," she said tugging her consultant by the arm. "We're going to start this case by doing something sensible. Catching a cab."

The ride was short and silent as senior agent and consultant focussed on sobering up as much as possible. Lisbon resolutely ignored the slight buzz she was experiencing, putting it down to the thrill of starting a new a case.

Their taxi pulled up outside the Sybaris club in the midst a disco of a red and blue police lights. Lisbon handed the driver a $20 and got out of the cab. Jane stumbled as his trailing leg got caught in the foot well. He just managed to catch himself and pretended to adjust the set of his jacket as Lisbon waited impatiently on the sidewalk.

As he joined her, Lisbon turned on her heel and promptly tripped over the raised edge of the red carpet leading up to the entrance. Jane caught her by the upper arm and nearly ended up crashing down himself. Blushing furiously Lisbon jerked her arm free with a glare at her blameless consultant. The pavement pitched alarmingly as some of the tequila surged to her head.

Jane in tow, she marched up to the uniform at the door and flashed her badge. "Where's the body?"

The policemen breathed out in relief. "Thank god you're here. The patrons and management are getting insistent we remove the body."

Lisbon frowned. "That's our call, not theirs. Has forenshics arrived?" she slurred.

"Yes m'am. A half hour ago."

"All right. No-one goes in or out without my say so. We have to lock this place down. Oh and one more thing…" she squinted owlishly at his name tag "… officer Pratful."

"Yes m'am?"

"Get someone to straighten that carpet. It's a health hazard."

Lisbon barely got five strides into the club before nearly colliding with Brett Partridge.

"Partridge," said Lisbon trying to cover her surprise. "Fill me in on whateveryouhav… uh fill me in." Lisbon fixed him with an intense stare and hoped he'd missed her slip.

Partridge puffed up with self-importance. He was cut off by Jane harrumphed rudely and walked around him with a muttered "ghoul."

The ME's gaze followed him resentfully for a second before focusing back on an increasingly irate Lisbon. "In your own time," Lisbon prompted.

He centred himself with a deep breath. "Victim was a Caucasian male, late 20s, in excellent health. Cause of death is most unusual. Near as was can tell he was killed with a stiletto through the temple.

Lisbon frowned. "Doesn't shound that unusual."

Jane reappeared over Partridge's shoulder, making him jump. "Not that sort of stiletto. You gotta see this!"

The body of Paul Ruiz was sprawled on a plush velvet chair in a small curtained alcove. The room smelled of air freshener, cigarettes and sweat. The body was naked apart from a modest leather posing pouch but the gleaming pecs and washboard stomach took a back seat to the stiletto heel of the diamante encrusted shoe driven deep into his right temple.

Partridge loomed over Lisbon's shoulder and admired the corpse with proprietary zeal. "Now that's what I call a killer heel," he said with a smirk.

Jane frowned with distaste. "OK, you've had your fun, you pasty faced vampire, now shoo!"

Partridge reared back at the insult as if Jane had thrust a garlic under his nose. "He's not allowed to treat me like that!"

Lisbon was too tired (and truth be told a little too tipsy) to give Brett's complaint due consideration. "Thanksh for the update. If we need anything we'll let you know."

Brett looked at Lisbon oddly, then thought the better of commenting and made a slow retreat. Jane paid him no further attention as he keenly examined the body. "Lisbon, can I borrow a pen?"

Lisbon searched through her shoulder bag and handed him one without comment.

Jane took her pen and used it to cautiously lift up the crotch of the posing pouch. Lisbon wavered between disgust and curiosity at her consultant's stranger than usual behaviour. "What is it?" she asked.

Jane gave a noncommittal 'humph' as he inspected the contents critically for a second before withdrawing the pen.

"Hey Partridge!" Jane's raised voice froze the pathologist in place just as he was exiting the door.

He glanced back. "Yes?" he hissed.

"Is that a rubber tube tied around his…" Jane motioned with his eyes rather than complete the sentence.

The ghoul brightened. "It's called tying off. In order to ensure they appear, well endowed, some male performs will simulate themselves and then…"

"…Okay, okay, too much information!" Jane cried in alarm. "I find it highly disturbing that a supposed professional would even know something like that. Wouldn't you agree Lisbon?

Lisbon looked like she was about to be sick. Partridge gave then both an aggrieved look before slinking from the room.

Jane glanced down and noticed the pen was still in his hand. He absently handed it back towards Lisbon, who recoiled in horror. "Keep it!" She said, hands upraised to fend off the tainted object.

Jane shrugged and tucked the pen into his inside coat pocket. He squinted and looked closely at the shoe. "Lisbon is there any chance we can…

Lisbon cut him off. "…The shoe shtays."

Jane looked at her sharply. "But…"

"It stays!"

Jane sighed, defeated. "Well OK then. Let's start talking to the suspects. Do we start with the male strippers or the rich lady shower- ers," he finished awkwardly.

Lisbon looked glum. "What a choice. Let's start with the strippers, they're more likely to know something about the victim." With a final glance at the body she left the room. Jane followed at her heels.

As they went around the corner Jane said "Did you say 'shtay'?

"No, I said sht-…stay!"

"You're an adorable drunk."

"You're drunk if you think I'm shlurring my words!"

* * *

The male strippers lounged indolently in their dressing room like lizards on a hot rock. On entering, Lisbon was transfixed by five shades of blue steel as the men gave her the once over. She swallowed heavily, then began her introduction. "I'm Special Agent Teresa Lisbon from the…

"Phew! It's hot in here. Don't you feel hot, Lisbon?" Jane interjected.

The senior agent's mouth worked soundlessly for a few seconds. The strippers posed and flexed, making her desperately look for someone safe to rest her eyes; the total surface area of their clothing barely added up to a handkerchief. A large, leather and lycra handkerchief, her mind treacherously amended. Lisbon closed her eyes for a second and entertained a fantasy where Jane was made to wear a stripper outfit while she tamed his insolence with a whip. A knock at the door came just in time to save fantasy Jane's hide.

A highly tanned individual in tight black trousers, open shirt and Akubra hat stepped into the room. Long blond hair cascaded down to his shoulders. The overall effect was as if Fabio had been cast in Crocodile Dundee.

Piercing blue eyes flicked over Jane on the way to subjecting Lisbon to a mental strip search. They narrowed on noticing her badge. "G'day luv. The name's Drew McGuinness; I manage this bunch. What can I do ya for?"

Lisbon wished she had a fan and a cool drink. It _was_ hot in here, damn Jane and his stupid comments. "I'm Special Agent Teresa Lishbon…"

"…Lisbon" Jane interjected with an unbearably smug expression.

"I _said_ Lisbon!" Lisbon hissed giving Jane a death stare.

Having gotten the reaction he wanted Jane smoothly took over the conversation. "What my fiercely un-inebriated colleague was going to ask was what can you tell us about the Paul Ruiz? Did he have any enemies, lovers, etc. etc. We could ask a lot of uncomfortable questions, but I'm feeling a little tired so how about we move things along."

He paused for a second. "Do any of you want to admit to being the killer?" Jane scanned the flesh sculptures arrayed before him but failed to spot a tell. "No?" Nonplussed he paced back and forth for a few moments before turning to face the suspects again.

"How about an easier question. Did any of you like Ruiz?" The men looked uncomfortably at each other but didn't speak. Jane raised an eyebrow. "Really? That popular, huh? OK Lisbon, let's move onto the ladies."

Lisbon snapped back to full alertness. "What? Wait! We have more questions…"

"No we don't," said Jane as he attempted to steer Lisbon out of the room.

The senior agent was having none of it. "Jane! I'm this close to sending you home in a squad car.

Jane allowed a little of his impatience to show. "Oh come on Lisbon, it's plain as day none of the strippers killed Paul. That one had a secret crush on him, those two are too self-involved to actively hurt anyone and that one is scared of violence." He leaned in towards the latter performer and whispered "trust me, the adulation of a bunch of drunk women will never be a substitute for your father's approval." He paused for a second as he weighed up the final man. "This one is capable but was busy entertaining a lady no, two ladies? Wow."

Drew entered the fray. "I don't like your man's tone but he's right. These are all good blokes and I guarantee none of them had anything to do with Paul's death. He might have been a bit of a mongrel but we all play fair with each other in this crew. Isn't that right boys?"

The lounging lizards nodded their agreement. Drew looked at Lisbon like his point had been proved. "Listen here miss. I don't mean to do your job for you but wasn't Paul found with a shoe jammed into his face? Seems to me the obvious thing would be to look for someone missing a shoe. And since this act isn't Priscilla Queen of the Desert, I reckon you might wanna start with the sheilas in the other room."

Lisbon was about to argue further when she felt Jane's hand on her arm. A cautionary squeeze made her change her approach. "Don't go anywhere," she told Drew before allowing Jane to drag her from the room.

"What's your damn hurry?" she hissed as she jerked her arm free. They were making their way to the main function room.

Jane shrugged. "No hurry, just seemed like Drew was talking a lot of sense."

"Really? The sarcasm in her voice was unmistakeable. "You're taking investigative tips from a lost extra from the Crocodile Hunter?"

Jane held up a finger as if to reply, then changed tack. "Actually I have to visit the bathroom!" he stage whispered. Why don't you get things started and I'll join you when…" He circled a hand in the air vaguely and headed off down a side corridor.

Lisbon was left bemused and bewildered. She cast her eyes despairingly to the heavens, then had to steady herself against the wall when the room began to spin. She fervently wished the case was over.

Two local police were guarding the entrance to the main dance area. Lisbon flashed her badge and pointed at the two of them. "I need you men to come with me. We're taking statements from everyone in that room. And checking their shoesh."

* * *

As soon as Lisbon was out of sight Jane ducked back into the dressing room. Drew was telling his stable of studs the show was cancelled. Jane spent a profitable few minutes asking a few key questions and then reminded them they couldn't leave until cleared by Lisbon.

The consultant slipped quietly into the back of the main function room. He placed his jacket and vest over a nearby chair and undid his shirt by a couple of buttons. The next step involved swaggering to the bar and ordering a large, showy cocktail. A quick glance in a mirror confirmed his hair was still in place. He fixed his features into a broad grin and began mingling with the patrons.

"G-day ladies, the name's Drew. I'm in charge of your entertainment this evening. You look like you're still up for a good time so once the coppers clear out we'll get the show back on the road…"

He repeated a similar greeting to each group he encountered, all the while looking for some likely accomplices. He struck gold on his fourth introduction. A cluster of elegantly dressed and pleasantly buzzed young women stood in a tightly knit circle. They were all tall, blonde, intelligent looking and rich. Most helpfully they looked approachable despite their expensive clothes and aura of privilege. He glanced down at their shoes. Perfect.

Jane dropped his Drew act and assumed his best professional manner. "Could I ask you lovely ladies to assist me with an ongoing investigation…"

A short but intense conversation later, Jane was pleased to watch his accomplices disperse across the room. An excited buzz was slowly going through the crowd, thanks in no small part to the words he'd imparted while masquerading as Drew.

His self-satisfied smirk vanished when he succumbed to a wave of dizziness. The cocktails he'd downed were starting to make themselves felt. He was thinking of scrounging a sobering cup of tea when Lisbon appeared at his elbow. "Where have you been?" she scolded.

The trill of her cell spared him from answering. Fixing Jane with a glare that promised dire punishment if he wandered off, she took the call. "Lisbon."

"Bosco here. Hicks and I managed to wrap things at our end. Just checking to see if you need a little help."

Jane observed the way Lisbon stiffened. He didn't need to hear the other side of the conversation to know it was Bosco. He was quietly delighted to observe the slight furrow that suddenly marred her brow.

"Thanks Bosco but that won't be necessary. We have plenty of uniforms to control the scene and the interviews are progressing well. You should head home to Mandy."

It was as if she hadn't spoken at all. "I think it's best we head over. See you soon Lisbon…"

"Bosco! Dammit he hung up."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Problem?"

Lisbon looked a little downcast. "Bosco's on his way. Thinks we can't handle things."

Jane smiled reassuringly. "Not to worry Lisbon, at least you're sober now."

She smacked him across the chest.

"Whoa, angry drunk! Ok! Ok!" he said, retreating nervously from Lisbon's raised fist. "Quick question." He stole a glance at her watch. "Do you think Rigsby and Cho have recovered enough to be able to help?"

* * *

Bosco and Hicks were approaching the Sybaris club when a taxi pulled up and discharged Rigsby and Cho. Their valiant effort to make themselves presentable fell lamentably short of CBI standard. Rigsby had buttoned his shirt out of alignment and Cho's tie was back to front. When Rigsby leant in to pay the driver it exposed the shirt tail hanging from the back of his pants.

Cho, by way of contrast, had managed to tuck his shirt in immaculately; it could be clearly seen through his open fly. Their sartorial ineptitude was underlined by the fact they were wearing each other's jackets, making Rigsby look like a stooped Frankenstein's monster and Cho like an underage gangbanger.

Hicks nudged Bosco. "Get a load of Bert and Ernie."

Bosco frowned but didn't reprimand his agent. "Rigsby! Cho! You guys are in no shape to take part in an investigation. Go home."

Cho straightened up. "Can't do that sir, the boss wants us here." His attempt at sober dignity was compromised when Rigsby bent down and tried to zip up his fly for him. Cho strove to maintain his stoic expression. "Don't do that," he said out of the side of his mouth.

"Your fly's undone!" Rigsby whispered in a voice that carried the length of the street.

A confrontation was averted when Lisbon and Jane appeared from inside the club.

"Ah the cavalry has arrived!" Said Jane cheerfully. "Oh, and you're here too, Bosco…"

Bosco deliberately looked past Jane. "Lisbon. Thanks for covering for us but Hicks and I can take it from here. Agents Cho and Rigsby aren't in a fit state to carry out their duties."

Lisbon would have agreed with Bosco's assessment but loyalty to her team made her hesitate.

Jane seized the opportunity. "You concern is noted, Agent Bosco. Too bad it wasn't there a few hours ago when you welshed on your promise to cover for us. Ah aah ah," he held up a finger to forestall Bosco's protests. "Cho and Rigsby won't be in any danger. If anything their current inebriated state is a bonus."

Bosco bellied up to Jane. "Whatever you have in mind, I can guarantee you Hicks and myself are better suited."

Jane glanced over at Lisbon and grinned. A sudden image flashed in her mind and she couldn't help grinning back. It wavered, however, when she saw Bosco's reaction. Jane, unabashed, swept a critical eye over the organised crime agents. " No offence, gentlemen, I don't question your crime fighting zeal but the mission I have in mind requires agents who are pleasing to the female eye and you," he coughed apologetically," do not have the required attributes."

Bosco pushed his shoulders back in indignation (or was he sucking his gut in a little? Lisbon couldn't help wonder). She stepped forward to cut off the agent from the rest of her team. "Believe me, Bosco, you really don't want to be involved in Jane's plan. Come with me and I'll explain how it's going to go down…"

Jane took the opportunity to clap Cho and Rigsby on the shoulder. "So glad you could make it," he said with a predatory grin. "Come with me…"

* * *

"No way!" said Rigsby.

Jane sighed theatrically and turned to Cho.

His expression didn't waver. "No way I'm doing that."

Jane radiated disappointment. "C'mon guys! This is our only chance of catching the killer. Seriously."

Cho was unmoved. "I don't care."

"Yeah man. I, we, just couldn't do that." Rigsby backed up his partner.

Jane nodded his acceptance, then flashed them a winning smile. "Tell me gentlemen, exactly what it will take to get you on board…"

* * *

Lisbon and Bosco watched two men carry out the body of Paul Ruiz. Partridge hovered around the corpse like a nervous prom date. Bosco looked uncomfortable. "So what's the play, Lisbon?"

"Jane thinks that …"

"Jane thinks!"

Lisbon fixed Bosco with a beady glare. "Feel free to leave at any time, Sam. MY team has this case. _Jane_ thinks the killer is still in the…Hey Andrews!" Lisbon had caught sight of a passing EMT.

That man stopped and smiled when he recognised her. "Teresa Lisbon! Don't tell me Jane needs patching up again." Tom Andrews was in his early thirties, average height with a lean, compact build. His expressive face was topped with a shock of thick dark hair. He was positively chipper despite the lateness of the hour.

Lisbon grinned. "Not yet, but we have a play in motion. Do you mind sticking around for a half hour just in case?"

The EMT's eyes twinkled. "Only if you promise to tell me about how it goes down over coffee."

"Deal." Lisbon's sidelong glance was accompanied with a smile that scrunched up her nose adorably. She watched Tom walk off then turned and caught a sour expression on Bosco's face which she chose to misinterpret.

"What? I don't expect the plan to go wrong but it doesn't hurt to cover your bases…"

* * *

Drew was about to usher his charges out of the club when Lisbon appeared at the door. Backed up by a sceptical looking Bosco and Hicks, she flashed her badge at the seedy impresario. "Drew McGuinness I'm placing you under arrest."

Drew backed up. "Whoa, luv. You can't do that. What are the charges?"

Jane's head popped up over Bosco's shoulder. "You can start with the cocaine stash concealed in his vest!"

Lisbon quirked an eyebrow at the suspect.

Drew's shoulders slumped. "I can explain about that…"

"Excellent. " Jane beamed at him broadly. He snatched the hat off Drew's head and turned to Lisbon. I'll need the vest too. For er, evidence…" He paused a second and then rounded on the strippers. "Now who wants to help me catch Paul's killer?

* * *

Lisbon was waiting on the dance floor when the lights dimmed and Drew McGuinness (in reality Patrick Jane) stepped onto the stage. The consultant shirt had been unbuttoned down to his belly button and his crocodile skin vest was likewise open. The Akubra was set at a jaunty angle that allowed his golden curls to dazzle the audience. His smile was wide and shark like, a remarkable facsimile of the person he was impersonating.

"G'day ladies! I'm Drew McGuinness, compere and manager for Man Handled, the finest male strip act in all of California. As you may be aware there's been an unfortunate incident this evening." His face to turned sombre. "Now we could all just go home, tired, frustrated and sad; but that's not what he would have wanted. We feel the best way to honour our fallen is for the show to go on. To let you lovely ladies down…" He the silence hang for a few seconds.

"…Would be to let the bad guys win. Are we going to let the bad guys win?"

"No." shouted a few voices from the crowd.

Drew/Jane was visibly disappointed by the reaction. "Surely, ladies, we can do better than that. DO WE WANT THE BAD GUYS TO WIN?"

"NO!" the tipsy and excited audience shouted back. Lisbon rolled her eyes. Sometimes the way women behaved around Jane felt like an outright betrayal.

Jane flashed another sharp smile. "That's better. I know you don't. You've come here to have fun. "

Scattered cheers.

"You've come here to unwind."

"You said it!" A wag (or was that WAG?) shouted.

"You've come here to let your inhibitions go, to feast your eyes on male perfection, in short, to put flesh to your fantasies! Am I right?"

Raucous affirmatives greeted his question.

Jane swept the room with his burning gaze. "Ladies, you've come here to be… MAN HANDLED!"

Wild cheers greeted his intro and a heavy, raunchy synth line poured through the speakers.

Jane lapped up the applause. "Laaaadies, your man-handlers this evening are…. Troy!

A spotlight picked out a blond haired surf god. The crowd shrieked in appreciation.

"Lance!" A Greek god, six pack rippling, held the pose of a javelin thrower. More cheers.

"Kurt!" A tall, cold Germanic type with chiselled features surveyed the screaming wall of female flesh with cold disdain.

Standing anonymously in the crowd, Lisbon felt distinctly uncomfortable watching the proceedings. She'd always found these types of displays distasteful and it wasn't helped having Bosco at her elbow. The man was positively radiating disapproval.

Jane continued his introduction. "Lothario!" The spotlight fell on Rigsby. He was bare chested with only a faux lion skin breech cloth and a pair of orange ugg boots to his name. He was still drunk enough to not really appreciate what was going on, which explained his asinine grin. Lisbon covered her eyes in horror. Surprisingly the audience voiced their approval.

"… Aaaand, The Python!" It was Cho. Stoic, unflappable special agent Cho. His face was impassive beneath the mirror shades hiding his eyes. He was wearing tight- very, very tight - leather pants and nothing else. Lisbon felt herself blushing furiously even as her eyes darted downwards. She was only human after all. If someone was going to pop the hood, she couldn't be blamed for taking a quick peak underneath.

Jane allowed the applause to crest then waved theatrically as if to dispel the heat of the reception. The music quietened as he resumed talking. "As you know a core part of the Man Handled experience is when our men get a little, "hands on," with the audience…" If anything, the oestrogen levels in the room climbed higher and several ear piercing whoops issued from the crowd.

"Why don't you get _your_ clothes off!" A particularly sozzled cougar shrieked.

For a microsecond Jane faltered but recovered smoothly. "Yes, we'll get a little hands on later tonight but first, a hot little number to get you started!"

The spotlight's intensified and the dirty deep synth intro of _Pony_ by Ginuwine oozed through the room and began having its way with the audience's eardrums. Troy, Lance and Kurt began gyrating to the song as instinctively as Pavlov's dogs salivating to the sound of a bell.

Lisbon felt her gaze involuntarily dragged toward Rigsby who appeared to have suddenly had a moment of sobriety. He started visibly and then tried to screen his eyes from the bright spotlight. Lisbon could see the thought processes trickling through Rigsby's mind as he recalled he was part of Jane's scheme. He threw a panicked glance in the consultant's direction but there was no help forthcoming.

His eyes slid sideways at his fellow performers and he began to clumsily mimic their movements. Lisbon shuddered with sympathetic embarrassment and flicked a glance Cho's way.

He was mostly naked, tightly constrained in the nethers and being screamed at by a roomful of women. Nevertheless he was still Cho. No matter the provocation, it was a life tenet to show no reaction at all. He merely crossed his arms and stared the raving beast of rampant female lust in the face.

Jane was pantomiming awe at the vociferous response and repeatedly wiping the sweat from his brow. He pretended to suddenly notice Cho and did an elaborate double take. He waved his arms at the sound booth and the music cut out.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, something's wrong." His voice pitched louder. "I'm sorry there's something wrong! Can we bring up the lights please? The house lights?" The lights duly snapped on which hit the room like a cold shower. It took a few seconds for the raucous crowd to quieten but when it did there was a lot of nervous foot shuffling, flushed faces and guilty looks.

"I'm sorry ladies. It thought we could continue on with the show but the events of this evening are too upsetting for the boys to continue." Rigsby and Cho nodded pathetically. "A man lies dead in this building. One of our own." He gestured at the dancers. "Murdered. His name was Paul and someone drove the four inch heel of their shoe into his skull."

Jane paused for effect as his words rippled through the room. He took the time to verify his accomplices had completed their mission. "Paul's killer is in this room. Security and CCTV confirm that no-one has left the building. Someone among you is hiding a dark secret." The room filled with uproar as the crowd talked amongst themselves and began checking each other's shoes.

Jane held his hands up to get their attention. "Don't worry! This will be over in a jiffy!" Out of nowhere he conjured a stiletto heeled shoe in his hand and waived it back and forth in front of his audience. "It's time to re-enact a gruesome version of a well-known fairy tale. Whoever this shoe fits, is the killer!"

A storm of protests greeted his pronouncement. Unmoved, Jane leapt down from the stage and nodded at Lisbon and the uniformed officers in the room. They moved efficiently into the crowd and in no time at all had marshalled seven suspects to the centre of the dance floor. They comprised of Jane's four blonde conspirators, three of who were paired with another woman.

Jane made the shoe disappear as he joined them. "You must be wondering why you've been singled out…"

"This is an outrage!" snapped an imperious woman with a towering confection of dark hair. "

Jane's head snapped back theatrically. "Outrageous? Maybe. But not as outrageous as thinking you can get away with bloody murder!" He whipped out the shoe again. " Care to try this on for size?"

"Certainly not! Even if the shoe fits it proves nothing! If you insist on continuing with these shenanigans I want my lawyer present."

Jane was unperturbed. "Fair enough. It was just a prop in any case. He tossed the shoe to Bosco who caught it awkwardly."

The angry woman interjected again. "This is ridiculous…"

Jane held up a hand to forestall her tirade. "Hear me out! The killer left one shoe in the victim but she couldn't very well stagger around on one heel. _Fortunately_ she had a pair of flats in her handbag so she was able to swap out her shoes. But my bet? Instead of disposing of the other shoe she kept it in her bag for safe disposal later on. It's just her bad luck the body was found so quickly, before she could make her getaway.

That being the case, I deputised these lovely ladies here," he gestured at the four tall blondes, "to search the room for anyone wearing flats. Anyone apart from you, Lisbon," he added as an aside.

"You three," he gestured at the remaining women, "are the only ones wearing flat shoes; ergo one of you is the killer." Jane peered at them more closely. He ignored the assertive one and focussed instead on the petite woman with the hourglass figure next to her. "In fact it's you."

"What?!" A guilty expression warred with her look of surprise.

Jane looked smug. "C'mon, it's obviously you. You were initially nervous when I waved the shoe about, then relaxed when you saw it wasn't a match. Something only the killer would know."

The accused woman rallied. "Then search my bag. According to you the other shoe will be in there."

Jane made no move towards the bag. "I could do that," he said dismissively, "or I could save some time by searching Linda's bag." He gestured to one of his blonde accomplices. "You don't mind, do you Linda?"

Linda passed her bag to Jane with a shy smile. He made as if to open it, then paused. "Actually I don't think it's appropriate for me to go through a woman's handbag. You do it, Lisbon."

The concept of Jane having any sense of propriety whatsoever left Lisbon completely gobsmacked. For lack of a pithy comeback she opened the bag and sure enough the matching stiletto was crammed inside.

The smugness that radiated from Jane was a tangible thing. Lisbon to gritted her teeth in irritation. Jane may have renounced his con man ways but nothing gave him more pleasure than showing off to an audience. God knew he closed cases but he did it in way that made it very hard to take at times. Even when he was trying to help the team there were times when she dearly wished to see him proved wrong or to fall flat on his face. Lisbon saw her feelings reflected on Bosco's face and felt a moment of empathy.

Jane turned back to his victim. "What's your name?"

"Krystal."

"Of course it is. Well Krystal, you did just as I'd hoped. When Linda 'accidentally' left her bag next to you it was an opportunity you couldn't resist, you planted the shoe to shift suspicion away from yourself." He reached for the shoe but Lisbon grabbed his arm.

"Jane! Evidence."

Jane reconsidered his move. "Good point and that shoe's full of it." He rubbed his hands together briskly. "Well this is the point where I hand you over to the professional police." He nodded at Bosco who was scowling at the edge of the crowd. He leaned in closer to Krystal.

"But before I do, and purely out of curiosity, why did you do it?"

The woman looked at him with pure hate.

Jane just smiled to the point his shit eating grin threatened to rival the sun. "My guess? You're a stripper made good. Just about to marry some rich sap, but Paul threatened to expose you unless you paid him money…"

Krystal lunged at him with a screech, nearly clawing his eye out before Bosco restrained her.

"Just as I thought. That being the case even the good Bosco will be able to piece it together without too much trouble. Lisbon! Let's… huh?"

Jane belatedly realised Lisbon was already striding towards the exit. He caught up to her breathlessly. "Hey! Case solved without anyone getting hurt or figuring out you were drunk on the job!"

Lisbon slowed. "Good job," she conceded reluctantly. "And I wasn't drunk!"

"Not anymore, certainly," said Jane. "I clued you into the plan before it went down, why so grumpy?"

Lisbon came to a complete halt. "I'm pissed off because you took advantage of Cho and Rigsby and humiliated them needlessly. Turning them into strippers was completely unnecessary!"

Jane gave a half shrug. "Maybe, but it was a lot of fun. Don't tell me you didn't enjoy seeing a different side to your team…"

"I saw entirely too much of Rigsby and Cho! I'll never be able to look at a pair of ugg boots the same way again." Her disgust warred unsuccessfully with amusement and she resumed walking before Jane could see her smile.

"Meh," said Jane unrepentantly. "I made it worth their while, believe me. Besides, they're a good looking pair and I wanted to give them a little taste of female adulation."

This time Lisbon didn't bother hiding her amusement. "Just a taste, eh?"

Jane pretended to be serious. "Any more than a taste does terrible things to a man's character, Lisbon."

"it sure does!" said Lisbon with feeling.

Jane swallowed his rejoinder. She had him dead to rights, after all. Unfortunately their delay allowed Bosco to catch up to them and it was another half hour before they'd finished making their statements.

Pre-dawn was beginning to lighten the sky when they finally made it outside. Lisbon gasped as Jane suddenly slumped against her. It looked like for all his big talk, Jane was as mortal as the next man. She smiled affectionately. Showman that he was he had to wait until there was no longer an audience before succumbing to alcohol and exhaustion. She was trying to manoeuvre him to a public bench when a high end Mercedes pulled up.

"Patrick! Patrick Jane!" several slightly inebriated voices called from inside the car. Lisbon squinted and realised the occupants were none other than Patrick's Angels. A wicked idea took shape in her mind. Since Jane always felt he knew what was best for others it was only fair he got a taste of his own medicine.

Lisbon waved at the women and carefully coaxed Jane into the back seat of their car. "My friend here needs somewhere to sleep off his exertions and I don't want him to be alone," she explained.

Linda and her friends cooed sympathetically. "He's such a darling! Don't worry, we'll take good care of him."

"Oh he's a real darling all right," Lisbon drawled. She leaned into the car to get a better look at the 'angels'. "He needs some TLC but keep it PG rated; I don't think he'd be happy with anything more when he sobers up." Her admonition earned her a set of eye rolls but it was worth it to salve her tiny pang of conscience.

As the car took off she gave a tiny wave to Patrick, the friendly laughter of the occupants still ringing in her ears. The smile died on her face when she was struck by a realisation. Her sneaky revenge involved sending Patrick off in the arms of a bunch of lovely women while she was heading home to an empty bed; buzzed but alone. She really needed to re-assess her life.

A voice startled her form her reverie.

"Teresa. Did the plan work out?"

A genuine smile graced her face. "Hey Tom! Thanks for hanging around, we're all good now."

"How about I buy you a coffee and you tell me how it all went down?"

Lisbon shot a sidewise look at the Tom. "I'm not sure there'll be much open at this hour…" She allowed a hit of regret to tinge her voice.

Tom responded with a cheeky grin. "I live just a few blocks away and my expresso machine makes out a wicked latte…"

An away game. Lisbon was not adverse. The events of the night flashed through her mind. The drinking and merriment, the hot club and extra's from Zoolander, the thrill of nailing a perp, and then Jane riding off with a bevy of blond beauties... Yes, Lisbon was not adverse at all.

She linked arms with Tom. "Tell me more about your wicked latte…"

* * *

Some hours later Jane floated slowly back to consciousness. Someone was running her fingers through his curls and there was a distinctly feminine form snuggling on his chest. Another soft and delicately scented body was curled around his legs He felt a tiny stab of apprehension until he realised he was fully clothed. He turned his head slightly and saw another blonde curled gently against him. He closed his eyes and let the warmth of their affection wash over him. To be looked after and cared for and pampered... God It had been such a long time. He might regret it later but right this minute, he couldn't deny it was something his battered soul craved.

He reviewed how he'd ended up in this position and smiled. Lisbon. She'd sensed how isolated he'd become and made sure he'd be safe and cared for. No doubt she'd then gone home to her empty flat, or god forbid, the CBI to do some paperwork. Yes, she was sipping some horrid stale brew and cracking open a file at this very instant. Poor thing, she was so predictable at times…

 **A/N:**

 _Have I ever mentioned I suck at writing plots? This one took entirely too long to get into reasonable shape and I fear the length may have diluted the fun. Thanks again to the peerless Hayseed Socrates for beta-ing and general moral support. A big thank you also to everyone who reviewed Red Vespers; your response was overwhelming._

 _Jane, Lisbon and the gang will return in Pun-ctual in Pink._


End file.
